Borrowed Time
by angelflower28
Summary: Missy has talked about "losing one of our own" this year, while Ben has stated a horrible tragic event takes place that will have devestating consequences for Sam and Andy. This is my version of what takes place later on in Season 3. I don't own anything having to do with the show or actors. I thank the creators of Rookie Blue for letting us "borrow" their characters.
1. Chapter 1

Breathe in, breathe out…I have to mentally tell myself, as I keep wanting to hold my breath for fear every exhale might be my last.

"McNally stay with me," I hear Sam say. I can't bare to respond. "Andy look at me," he demands.

I slowly lift my eyes until I am staring into his depths. Oh how I wish I can just drown in his soulful eyes right here and now, make love to him like nothing else in the world matters, but the complete fear I see displayed all over Sam's face reminds me of my immediate nightmare.

"Sam I'm scared." I manage to let loose these few words from my trembling lips.

"I know baby, it's going to be okay. Dov said Sue and the rest of the bomb squad are on their way."

With all the worries Sam has for me when we're working, a bomb never even crossed my mind. How did a routine welfare check on some children turn into what might very well be the last few moments of my life?

"Never saw this one coming did you Sam?" I try and say as lightheartedly as possible.

"Nope can't say that I did. Gun shot wounds, high speed chases, but definitely not this McNally. You sure know how to spin a situation." I can tell my fiancé is trying to keep my spirits up.

Just 30 short minutes ago we were knocking on the front door. Within a few seconds we hear children crying and someone yelling COPS! People start running out the back door and jumping through the windows. Sam kicks open the door and I follow him inside. The house was deplorable. Trash and other debris were strewn about the house. Dirty dishes with rotten food were just not in the kitchen sink but on the floors surrounded by a sticky substance. I hear the sound of my shoes resisting the urge to become permanent fixtures on the sickening excuse of a floor.

I'm almost out the back door about to catch up with one of the suspects when I hear the sound every police officer dreads. The scared screams of children. I know that Sam hears it too because he stops moving immediately and the perp he was wrestling with is able to break away from his grasp and jump through the nearby window.

Without a moments thought I head down the stairs to the screams awaiting us. There are several rooms and panic fills me when I realize I'm not sure which room the children are in. I take my chances when I head left into a red lit room. Instantly I realize what this room is made for. No, there are not any children in this small pungent smelling space. Instead I see the full remnants of a meth lab. I turn to run out of the room, in search of the cries when I stumble on a box. I lose my footing but I'm able to catch myself. I take one step when I hear it, and I'm frozen in time.

I can hear Sam yelling for me, wondering why I did not follow him. He's calming down what sounds like two little boys. "Wait here," I hear him say. Within seconds he comes around the corner and stops dead in his tracks.

"McNally?" Sam asks hesitantly. I don't respond. I'm staring at my feet since they are standing on top of a hidden bomb.

Being brought back to the present I hear someone calling my name. I look up and see the forever smiling face of Sue. "Hey, tough night I see."

"You're funny. How about you get me out of here?" This isn't a question and Sue can tell I'm close to losing control. I look over at Sam and I can tell he is ready to crawl out of his skin. I know all he wants is to reach out and pull me to him.

"Okay Sam, you've done a great job bringing the children to safety and making sure Andy stays calm and doesn't trigger the explosive. Now I need to you vacate the premises and wait outside like everyone else," Sue states very directly.

"No chance in hell am I leaving her."

"Sam," I say.

"No McNally, I'm not going to wait outside and not know every thing that is happening to you right now".

"Baby, please," I plead with him. He starts to shake his head. "Just listen, I'am barely holding on. Every bit of me is fighting the urge to keep from shaking right now for fear of what might happen. If I know you're safe outside it will be a relief to me. I will come back to you."

"Forget it." Turning to Sue "let's get this done".

We can see trying to convince him is a moot point right now. The only thing that we accomplished in the last two minutes is that I forgot I am standing on what could be my coffin.

Turning to me Sue grabs the sand bag that will hopefully be saving my life tonight. "Okay Andy I'm going to slowly slide this between your legs. When I tell you to, I want you to grab both of Sam's hands and slowly take two steps."

My breathing starts to become ragged and I start to panic. I'm running a risk of hyperventilating as Sue starts to slide the bag in.

"McNally I want you to focus on nothing else but me right now," my love tells me.

I take a deep breath and nod yes. I hear Sue give me the signal and I slowly reach out to Sam's already waiting hands. When our flesh finally meets it's like coming home. A breath escapes me and I know we are going to make it. Sam gently smiles at me knowing exactly how I feel. One step, then the second step. As the flat of my heels finally make contact with the hard cement I brace for the impact that never comes. My heart rate slowly starts to settle. A cry escapes Sam as he wraps me in the warmest embrace. It's as if I'm swimming in warm velvet.

Turning to Sue, we can't help but hug her.

"Thank you," I say.

"You're welcome."

Sam can't form any words and I see he's overcome with emotion. How's that for a spin on the situation. He acts tough throughout this whole ordeal and then when I'm okay he looks like he's ready to fall apart.

Sue reaches out and grabs Sam's hand. "I know, it's okay." Four simple words but they mean so much to him. "Now take her and get out."

Without hesitating Sam pulls me to him once again. We head swiftly out the door and up the stairs to the life I was afraid I would never be able to live again. We reach the front door and immediately the cheering begins, except for one person. I see Dov looking scared, knowing the battle has just begun for his girlfriend."

As we walk across the street the rest of the bomb squad begin their trek into their own private war zone. Suddenly the sound is deafening and I fall to the ground. I'm not sure if Sam pushed me or if it was from the blast, but I can feel the weight of him on top of me. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks. I know when the chaos ends; we have lost one of our own.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you everyone for the great comments; they mean so much to me. This is my first story and I do plan on this being a multi chapter saga. Hope you enjoy this chapter. This should give you a heads up about my interpretation of how the death negatively affects Sam and Andy.

I sit staring in the distance, vaguely noticing movement of black everywhere. Where did the tradition of wearing this color to a funeral come from anyway? I mean everyone is so sad, so why not wear a color that is more uplifting? I absentmindedly play with my white gloves, feeling the polyester rubbing across my hands normally annoys me, but today I welcome the feeling. At least it causes me to feel. The crowd is finally dying down; the standing ovation of Sue's life was overwhelming. Almost every law enforcement officer in the Toronto area attended dressed in their formal uniforms. The procession from the church to the funeral extended for miles, red and blue lights flashing in every direction.

I look at Dov isolating himself, but who could blame him? Between all the condolences and him comforting Sue's family, he hasn't had time to realize the full magnitude of how his life will change. After the explosion settled the ear piercing scream that came from Dov has chilled me to the bone on more than one occasion this last week. Complete chaos everywhere, all of us charging straight towards the house, with Dov as our leader. I think everyone knew there was no way our silent hero could have survived but we had to at least try.

When all hope was lost, and there was not even a body to recover, Chris held Dov as he collapsed. Quietly sobbing, he took care of Dov like his own brother. Later that night Sam held me as the floodgates opened and the damn broke in my emotions. Of course I blamed myself, but with Sam's strong arms around me, I found solace. God I love the feel of his body around me, I never feel safer than in those moments. Last night though I felt what it was like to be the protector. I woke up to Sam thrashing around in his sleep and when I gently nudged him it was enough force that he woke up screaming for me. One look in his soulful eyes and I can't imagine the horrors he was seeing.

I feel like a zombie today, as if everyone is staring at me. I know no one blames me for what happened but I can't help feel eyes burning holes into my flesh. The very worst part is that ever since Sam woke up from his nightmare, he's been pulling away from me. Today of all days I would think he'd want me by his side. It's the subtle things I notice. Like the fact he didn't touch me at all during the funeral, or how he hasn't been by my side once during the reception. For the past week he hasn't wanted me to leave his side, but now all of a sudden it's as if whatever nightmare he had, triggered something inside him.

"Hey Andy how you feeling?"

I look up and see my dear friend Traci pulling up a chair next to me.

"Um okay I guess. This whole week has been one big nightmare I wish I could wake up from. I mostly feel devastated for Dov."

"Tell me about it, I can't even imagine when he'll be back at work. I think he has over a month's worth of vacation he can draw from," Traci tells me as her gaze lingers on our broken friend. "Jerry told me last night he wants to get married, that seeing Dov lose Sue has made him realize that life is too short."

For the first time in what feels like an eternity I smile, I genuinely smile. "Trace that's great. I'm so happy for you," I say as I give her a hug. "When do you think you'll do this?"

"Were going to wait a few months out of respect for Dov. Not that a few months is going to lessen his pain, but it seems like the right thing to do."

I give Traci a nod showing her my understanding. Catching a familiar figure coming our way I look up and see the man that always takes my breath away. Giving us some space Traci says her goodbyes and I see her walk towards Jerry.

"Hey McNally you ready to go?"

With a sigh I respond. "You have no idea; I need to feel like I'm not being looked at like any moment I'm going to have a mental break. Let's go home." I grab Sam's hand and head for the door.

The drive home is quiet and I can't help but feel like something is bothering him, something more than the obvious tragedy.

"Okay I can't take this anymore, what's going on with you?"

"Hmm what do you mean?" Sam tries to play it off like I'm imagining the emotional distance that's been between us now for almost 24 hours.

"You, this, all of it. All week long you have me all but tied at your hip, but now it's as if I'm not even on your radar." I'm feeling completely exasperated all of a sudden.

"It's nothing McNally, everything's fine." Irritation creeping into his voice.

Oh he's so infuriating sometimes. "Everything is not fine; come on it's me you're talking to."

"Andy just drop it okay? It's been a long week. We have to start back at work tomorrow and we need our rest." As if to show me everything's fine, Sam laces his fingers in between mine and gives me a little squeeze.

I drop the conversation thinking maybe I've just let the stress take its toll on me. When we arrive home we dress for bed, climb under the sheets, and instead of our usual kissing time Sam just rolls over and falls asleep within minutes. Yup, it's all in my head.

The next morning in parade, the air is almost suffocating. Normally I'd be excited knowing I have all day with Sam, but after this morning I'm not so sure. Dressing for work was contentious at best, and forget about any conversation on the drive into the office.

"Okay McNally, Swarek, I need you two on the west side today. Word on the street is drug deals are happening in plain view. I need you two visible, call for back up if needed," our fearless leader Sgt. Best gives us our orders. "Everyone else you have your assignments already. Remember, serve, protect, and stay alive."

Cruising on the west side of town is always enlightening to say the least. We ride in silence as I gave up hours ago to keep a conversation going. We made several stops today-some traffic violations but mostly because the drivers looked suspicious. No big bust yet and it's already two o'clock. Four more hours to go when we receive a 911 call, a woman is being held at gun point on the five hundred block of a nearby street. Without thinking, our routine takes over and Sam flips the switch to the lights and I respond by radio to dispatch. Working in sync has always been our strongest asset to the force, or at least we've been told by Best and Superintendent Peck.

When we reach the apartment complex I immediately jump out. Sam is right behind me when I make it inside and start taking the steps two by two. We make it to the sixth floor and I'm breathing so hard my lungs are burning. I can hear an angry voice down the hall. Sam points for me to draw my gun as he does the same. I never get used to the cold heavy metal in between my hands. The knowledge of knowing I can end a life at a moments notice is at times a weight on my shoulders almost too much to bare.

We slowly creep down the hall and the voices start to make more sense. We quickly learn the female is being accused of cheating on the male, and he is threatening to end her life if she doesn't tell him who she cheated on him with.

"OPEN UP POLICE," Sam shouts standing to the side of the door while I'm on the other side.

"GET THE HELL OUT THIS IS NON OF YOUR BUSINESS," the unidentified male shouts back.

"Come on sir," I say back more calmly. "Just open the door and let us talk to you."

"I like the way you're talking to me. I'll let you in but the other copper needs to stay out."

I'm about to respond when I hear Sam respond first. "Not going to happen. I don't let my partner go into dangerous places without backup". I notice Sam starting to take a softer approach as well.

"Well then I guess two people will be dying tonight, this bitch and me."

"NO WAIT," I scream.

Silence.

"Sir?"

I faintly hear the female crying. "Ma'am you okay?"

"Yeesss, just scared."

"Okay lady how about we play a little game called exchange. I know I have a much more likelihood of getting out of this situation alive if I have a cop by my side. I'll let this cheating bitch go if you take her place."

"I said no," Sam says forcefully.

"Okay sir I agree."

"No way in hell McNally."

"Listen Sam, I'm a cop and this is my job. I have a chance to save a life today and I'm going to take it. Now you can either support me in this and help me come out of this alive or let me go in there knowing you don't have my back. Which is it going to be?"

Letting out an exasperated breath Sam reluctantly agreed. I tell the perp to slowly open the door and I'll come in. In only a few seconds I find myself standing in the apartment. I place myself in front of the crying female and walk with her until she reaches the door.

"Jimmy it didn't have to be like this," she says to the male.

"Just go miss, my partner is outside waiting for you."

The female leaves, and when she shuts the door behind me, it sounds like a door being shut to my cell in a prison.

"Okay, now what Jimmy? Can I call you Jimmy?"

"Whatever. How are you going to get me out of this alive? I don't trust that I won't accidentally be shot by your boyfriend out there."

"He's my partner on the job and that is what he is trying to do, his job."

"I will surrender you this gun and you can take me in yourself as soon as your partner joins the rest of the team outside."

"Here that Sam," I yell to him.

"Ya I hear it. I guess there's no sense in arguing. I'll do whatever is going to get you out of there and back to safety the fastest." I hear him start to walk off. His footsteps stop only long enough to say to me what I have longed to hear since yesterday morning. "I love you McNally."

I try to contain the sob threatening to rip from my body. "Me too, see you soon."

I hear Sam walk away and I look through the window until I see him outside. I point to Sam to show Jimmy he's out. Without hesitating this young man, a kid really, hands me his gun. I accept the deadly weapon and put it in the back of my belt. I break out the handcuffs and securely lock them around his writs. A huge sigh of relief escapes me.

As we walk outside I'm greeted by other police and Oliver is there to guide Jimmy into the squad car. I look around for Sam and I see him leaning up against our police car staring at me. Walking over to him he turns away from me and climbs into the car. My heart sinks. Isn't he glad to see I'm alive? We ride back to the station in silence and depart to our separate locker rooms without a word spoken between us.

The ride home is painful, for I know something big is about to happen. A new definition of normal will be brought to our relationship tonight. When we arrive home Sam is the first one to speak.

"You know that night after we arrested that shooter in the school?"

"Yes," I whisper.

"You fell asleep in my lap."

"That's because you were gently caressing my arms and playing with my hair. Your touch is always so soothing, safe."

"That's just it Andy, I can't seem to keep you safe. I have had to repeatedly watch you put yourself in danger time and again and I'm scared to death one of these days I won't be able to save you."

"It's not your job to save me. I'm a cop, it's my job to be in danger everyday."

"Ya well, I just can't accept that. That night when you fell asleep on me I just looked down at you thinking how I had to watch you walk out in the line of fire to take the girl and shield her from her boyfriend. I know there were no bullets left in the gun, but at the time I didn't know. I remember thinking that night how worried I was that there would come a time that I just couldn't take it anymore."

"Take what Sam?" I ask gently as if I'm teetering on a cliff and only he has the ability to bring me back or push me over the ledge.

"The fear of losing you."

"What are you saying?" I feel myself start to tremble with fear for his response.

"I'm saying that time is now. You almost died just one week ago, and not for the first time in three short years. It's your first day back on the job, and look at what you had to do today. God Andy, I had to let you walk right into that perp's grip. I don't care that you're my partner, you're the love of my life and I just had to let you walk right into the line of fire AGAIN. I've tried so hard over these last few years to let you be a police officer because I know how important being a cop is to you. I know the last thing you want from any man, especially your fiancé, is for him to treat you like you are inferior. But as a man I'm supposed to be your protector and I can't keep pushing that aside."

I can see he's fighting back the tears threatening to spill over. Mine have already broke the damn. "Does this have something to do with the nightmare you had before the funeral? Because Sam it was just a dream nothing more," I plead with him sobbing now but I don't care.

"You really want to know what made me tear up the bed that night in my sleep?"

I nod because I can't seem to form the words.

"I DREAMED YOU WERE THE ONE WHO DIED IN THE EXPLOSION NOT SUE".

We are both taken aback by his outburst. He takes a deep breath and rubs his hands over his face. Not being able to look at me, despite my pleading, he turns his back to me and walks to the window. The night is frigid and the beginnings of a snow storm are approaching.

I place my hands on his shoulders and I feel some of his tension release. Placing a kiss between his shoulder blades I then lay the side of my face on his strong back. His head drops and his reserves finally break as well. I feel his body rack with sobs. I try to turn him around, it's a fight, but I eventually win. Although I see a new determination on his face now, one that I know for certain I'm not going to like.

"Sam just say it, I know you have something else to say."

"I want you off the force."

At first I think he's joking, but it only takes a moment until I realize he's serious."

"Come on that's ridiculous."

"Is it? In the three years we have worked together I've seen you escape death too many times. Either you find another job, one that doesn't involve putting your life before others on a daily basis, or we're done."

I feel like I'm drowning. Desperate to convince him that me leaving the force is not the answer, I try to reason with him. He's stern in his resolve and I can tell this is a battle I'm not going to win. My heart is breaking but I know there is only one possible answer to his question. I love this man before me with all my heart but I will not give up my passion of police work. I provide him the only answer I know to give.

"No," I respond back. My face is void of emotion for I know what is coming next.

"Then if I'm going to lose you it will be on my terms and not some random perp's terms. I will not continue to fall more in love with you with each passing day only to lose you in the next drug bust, or undercover op, or even a random traffic stop."

Seconds tick by and we just stand there and stare at each other. Neither of us willing to make the first move. Finally just when I think he can't hurt me anymore, he proves me wrong, as if it was a challenge all along. "I'm going to Jerry's for now. I'll take tomorrow off and have my stuff moved out before you come home from your shift."

I don't say a word as my brain fights to process what he's saying to me. I know it's bad but I can't comprehend the fallout. For a split second I think he's going to break and tell me he's sorry and beg me to take him back. Before I can put any more energy into that though,t he walks past me. Sam grabs his coat and heads for the door. Stopping for a moment, a cruel joke really, because again I'm hopeful he will turn around and pull me into his arms. What I see next completely shatters my entire existence. Sam shakes his head, takes one last breath, and walks out the door into a life that no longer includes me.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm loving the reviews…it's what keeps me writing this story. Great questions have been posted that I had already planned on addressing in this chapter. The only two scenarios I can imagine as to why Sam takes the death so hard which causes a lot of trouble for him and Andy is 1. It's Sue and he sees the pain Dov is in and can't stand the thought of being in his shoes or 2. It's Oliver (which I would just die too, but I can't help but wonder why Zoe and the children seem to be mentioned more this season) and Sam doesn't want to leave Andy a widow or his children without a father. I think it is realistic that one of these two scenarios could happen. Sam seems to not have any attachments in life (except maybe his sister) and he had no idea the emotions he would feel once he truly fell in love. I think before, all he wanted was to be with Andy but she was always taken by Luke. He never thought about how he would handle his fear of Andy being in danger everyday once he was truly free to love her, because being with her never seemed to ever be a possibility. I worry a lot about Sam and Andy breaking up. I can handle the angst and the longing looks but I cannot handle them breaking up only to start dating other people. I feel that would really cheapen their relationship. Ben was quoted as saying in a recent interview that Tassie has told him that Sam and Andy have the love story of the century and that is always in the back of her mind when she writes for those characters….sooo that gives me hope.

Also it's my experience that people do dumb things when two people who are obviously still in love, are broken up, and they are hurting and trying to get the attention of the other. With that said, please know I would never put this much energy into a Sam/Andy story without them ending up together in the end.

Enjoy!

Beep, Beep, Beep! Ugh how can it be morning already? It seems like I just fell asleep. I guess that's true since I've only been asleep for two hours. This seems to be my nightly routine for the past week after Sam walked out of my life. I go to work, come home, and then I try to keep my mind off the longing and overwhelming pain in my stomach that will not go way. I have a constant lump in my throat and I'm doing everything I can to keep up my resolve of not crying over Sam Swarek anymore.

Who does he think he is? How dare he put conditions on our love. What about him? Does he think he's the only one that worried in our relationship? Of course I'm scared to death everyday when he puts on his uniform and braves the worst of Toronto. I know that being a cop is in his blood and I can't take that away from him. Even if everyday might be our last, I'm willing to take what I can get. Except now Sam took that option from me. He gave me himself as if I was receiving the most precious gift, only to rip it away from me.

That first night was pure hell. The devastation I felt was like a mudslide leveling an entire village. I didn't know how to even put one foot in front of the other. I'm not sure how long it was before I heard a knock on my door, I don't even know how I found my self to be sitting on the couch. Thinking it might have been Sam, my heart soared and all of a sudden I couldn't get to my door fast enough. But when I opened the door, there stood Traci on the other side. One look from her and I knew immediately she must have been at Jerry's when Sam arrived.

Seeing Traci, the tears started falling again. She took the two steps separating us and became my rock for the night. Traci told me when Sam arrived at Jerry's house he was a complete mess, well a "mess" by Sam Swarek standards. I know he doesn't allow anyone to know the real him, except for me. Traci shared it was clear he had been crying. Jerry immediately asked him if I was okay and Sam simply said we were over and asked if he could crash at his house for a couple of days. According to Traci, when Sam told Jerry why our relationship was over, Jerry expressed to Sam his own fears about Traci. The difference is Jerry is much more reasonable and doesn't worry about what might happen, instead he focuses on the present.

I never felt more alone than when I came home to my apartment that first day. Traci insisted on coming with me but I told her I needed to face my reality sooner than later. I also asked for a reassignment as I knew there was no way I could endure eight hours of Sam everyday at work. As it turned out I didn't have too worry because Sam already thought of it. I wasn't sure what was worse, being with Sam in close quarters everyday, or not being with him by his own choosing.

So now here I am on day five of "operation heal broken heart" and I'm no more closer to healing than I was in those first few moments without him. Arriving at work I quickly change into my uniform since my lack of sleep has me dragging this morning. There seems to be a constant 50 lb weight attached to every movement made. I walk into parade and just like the last few days, I don't look in the back of the room because I know he'll be there. Sitting down in my usual seat, fighting the urge to put my head on the table and close my eyes, I don't register someone approaching me.

"Here you could use this." I look up and see Oliver shoving a cup of coffee into my hands. The tantalizing smell puts me on alert.

"Thanks." I give him a half smile.

"No problem, I need my rookie awake today."

"Huh, I thought I was with Nick again."

Oliver starts to stutter and then catches himself. "Um nope, new plan."

Hmmm, it doesn't take a genius to figure out this change of plan is somehow connected to Sam. Plastering a fake smile on my face I can't help but respond purposely to get under Sam's skin. "Okay well I hope you're ready for a busy day because I plan on taking every chance I can to take down the worst of Toronto." I know this is a cheap shot but I can't help it. Sam gave up his right to worry about me the moment he walked out the door.

Oliver looks up behind me for a split second before he catches himself and quickly clears his throat. "Um ya okay, you and me McNally. Mean streets of Toronto watch out." Looking like he's caught in between a tug of war, Oliver mumbles something and then walks off.

We learn in morning briefing that we're looking out for a Luis Salazar age 31. He's wanted in several murders and we're advised he won't hesitate to shoot to kill any law enforcement officer that comes his way. Fabulous, just what I need, someone to make my day.

After parade concludes I stand up anxious to remove myself from this room and breathe in some fresh air. Before I can make my way out the door I'm stopped by Traci. She grabs me gently by my elbow and asks if I'm okay.

"Fine," I respond a little harsh knowing my obvious appearance would prove otherwise.

"Drinks tonight after work?"

The thought of forgetting this pain for a few hours is very appealing to me. "Of course, I respond softer. "See you at the Penny about seven."

We say our goodbyes and as I start to walk out the door I bump into someone. Seriously can't I just get out of here? I look up to apologize to whoever has the misfortune of having to deal with me today and I'm looking into the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Eyes that bring me home.

"Sorry Andy, didn't see you," Sam states matter of factly.

"Whatever." I barely wait for the last syllable to leave my lips and I'm out the door trying to forget how good it felt to have just touched Sam. I welcome the chill in the air and finally my day can begin.

Oliver is already waiting in the car for me when I climb in. The next few minutes are spent in silence as I drink my coffee.

"Thanks again for the coffee, really I needed it," I say feeling bad for the way I talked to him earlier.

"No worries."

I can tell he wants to say something, but he's not sure how to approach the subject. I decide to try the direct approach. "Look Oliver I know you and Sam are the male equivalent to BFFs so riding with me might be a little awkward. I also know Sam put you up to it. What is his deal? Afraid I'll hook up with Nick since that seems to be my track record. Not sure why he cares, he's the one that left." I realize I'm rambling and I know now it' time to shut up.

A few seconds go by before Oliver answers as I can tell he's choosing his words carefully. Am I really that bad today?

"Look Andy, you're not the only one hurting here. Sam isn't worried that you'll hook up with Nick or anyone else for that matter. He says it's over and you two have no future so you can be with whoever you want." I flinch at those last words, Oliver might as well have punched me in the face. "But with that said, he just can't stop loving you over night and he wants someone who has more experience than a rookie to have your back while your healing from the break up. He's worried your mind might not be all in your work right now, and this leaves you vulnerable to getting hurt out here on the streets."

I'm taken aback by his words, not sure what to say to that. "Well I assure you my work is all that I'm thinking about now. He lost the right to worry about me five days ago. If he is so concerned then why doesn't he just ask me how I'm feeling?"

"Because he can only take so much pain and seeing you is very painful right now. You and I both know Sam doesn't do well with displaying emotions for everyone to see."

There really isn't anything I can say so I choose not to respond. We go about our day, and although Sam is always in the back of my mind, I'm able to concentrate on my job. Nothing too exciting happens during our shift and I feel a mixture of relief and disappointment when we don't meet up with Sam and Diaz on any call today. Finally six o'clock comes around and we're pulling back into the police station.

I'm on my way to the locker room to change into my street clothes when I see Sam through the window in the upstairs office talking to Boyd from Guns and Gangs. So that is how he plans on dealing with the break up, another under cover op. Instantly I become angry and decide the Penny just won't due tonight. After changing into my regular clothes I leave work with a new plan.

I arrive at my destination, determined to have a good time, and I think the Alpine is just what I need. Pushing open the door I walk into what could arguable be one of the seediest bars in the city. Yes, no chance of running into anyone I know here.

I quickly make my way to the bar and start with a couple of shots of tequila. Looking around I take in the dimly lit place that I shall call my home for the next few hours. It doesn't take long before two men approach me.

"He sweetie want to play some pool," guy with a pony tail asks me. I learn his name is Mick.

I know I shouldn't flirt back but what the hell. "Sure your loss," I say to them as I grab my beer and head for the pool table.

"Yo Mick, what's a classy girl like her doing in a dive like this?" I hear the second guy ask, funny thing is he's looking at me like I'm his next meal.

"I don't know James, but I sure would like to find out," Mick responds.

Both Mick and James seem to be about in their mid 30's but unlike Mick, James is very tall, muscular built, with very short blond hair.

The next few hours go by in a blur filled with pool, dancing, and more shots with Mick and James when I realize Traci must be wondering why I never came to the Penny. I check my phone and see several missed phone calls from her. I push redial and after a couple of rings Traci picks up.

"Hey where are you?" Traci asked sounding a little worried.

"I'm at the Alpine."

"Your WHAT?"

"I'm at the Alpine and I'm having a good time." I'm doing my best not to slur my words because I don't want her to worry.

"Your drunk Andy. I'm on my way."

"Okay but only if your going to have a good time because I'm having a blast. Right Mick and James?"

"Who's Mick and James," Traci cautiously asks.

"Oh you know just some guys I met tonight," I say back playfully but for some reason Traci doesn't think it's so fun.

"I'm on my way," is all she says.

I grab James and pull him back out onto the dance floor. I'm having a great time and I've managed to forget about you know who. I'm not sure how much time has passed when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and Traci is there with Jerry right behind her.

"Hey why the fiancé? I thought it was a girls night only?"

"Traci wasn't coming down to this place without some back up, SOBER back up that is," Jerry responds.

"Come on Andy your drunk, lets go." Traci tries to pull me along with her as she starts to walk towards the front door.

I pull away from Traci not ready to leave just yet. "No way, I'm having a blast with Mick and James over here." I lean back and put my arms around both of them. It doesn't go unnoticed that Jerry and Traci are staring at my waist where Mick and James have returned my gesture.

A new song starts on the juke box and I get the urge to do something that normal Andy would have never done. At this point in the night I'm not sure how many drinks I've had, but I've never felt this free before. Seeing the table next to us is empty, I leave Mick and James grasps, and climb my way to the top of the table. I start to move to the beat and before I know it I have quite the male audience.

Traci and Jerry's pleas for me to step off the table and leave with them go unanswered. Traci pulls out her cell phone and starts talking to someone, and it's only a matter of seconds after Traci hangs up that I know who she was talking to, because the next thing I notice is Sam coming through the front door and he is pissed.

Sam doesn't miss a beat as he walks straight to me without breaking eye contact.

"Andy get down now," Sam says each word slowly and deliberately.

"Go away Sam this doesn't concern you," I tell him as I'm waving my hand at him like I'm saying goodbye. Closing my eyes I start to move to the beat and without thinking I start to lift my shirt up. I'm not sure what my intention is, and before I can figure it out, strong arms grab my waist and lift me off the table. I open my eyes and I'm face to face with a fuming Sam.

"Your done now."

"Your such a caveman. First you break up with me because I won't be your delicate partner who just gives up my dream because it makes you uncomfortable. And now we aren't together anymore and you still think you can call the shots." I know I'm slurring my speech and the room is starting to spin, but I don't care. I stumble a little but Sam holds me up.

"Ya that's what I thought."

Before I can respond I hear James starting to taunt Sam. "C'mon Officer Swarek, she's having a good time. We have no problem taking her home."

Sam turns to my dates of the evening and with a look that would frighten anyone he coldly states "come near her again and you'll wish the DA left you for your boss instead of allowing you to testify against him." Turning to me I can see he is contemplating his next move. "Listen McNally you haven't seen how much of a caveman I can be, but I have no problem displaying that for everyone to see if you don't leave with us. Now lets go, I'm not asking."

"Say it again," I plead with him through my now blurring vision.

"What, that I'm a caveman?" Sam asks confused by my response.

"No, the part when you called me McNally." God it's seems like forever since he's called me by his nickname for me.

I see something register in his eyes. Pain? Regret? But it soon passes as Sam swallows back his emotions. "Lets go," is all he says as he holds on to me leading my out to the parking lot.

He helps me into his truck and buckles me in. He turns to Jerry and Traci, telling them he can take it from here, and I'm pretty sure I hear him say thank you. Resting my head on the cool window, I know now whatever I drank earlier isn't going to be in me much longer.

"What were you thinking? The Alpine? " Sam asks me sounding exasperated as he starts up his truck.

"Sam not now, I can't take it. If you don't want to clean the inside of your truck I suggest you get me home fast."

"What if we hadn't shown up, then you would be in this situation right now with those two lowlifes."

"Hey James and Mick were two very nice gentlemen."

"Ya, one's a drug dealer and the other's a rapist. Did you forget I know half those people from my time undercover."

I lift my head from the window and look up at him. "Which one's which?" I asked genuinely curious.

"Really? Seriously? Does it matter?" Okay apparently leaving the Alpine does nothing to calm Sam's anger.

"Okay too many questions, I already see too many of you right this second as it is." I lean my head back on the window and concentrate on my breathing so I don't make Sam's night even worse by throwing up in his precious truck.

The rest of the ride is in silence. When we arrive at my apartment I attempt to get out of the truck on my own but I manage to almost face plant on the cement.

"Andy just let me carry you. You're a mess right now and probably a danger to yourself and anyone that might pass you on the side walk."

The fight in me is leaving and I put my arms around Sam's neck. He lifts me up with ease, and that safety I've always felt with him returns. When we arrive in my apartment he takes me to the bathroom where I immediately feel the loss of his touch as he sits me down in front of the toilet. Soon the remnants of the evening come up and Sam is holding my hair and rubbing my back as the muscle spasms continue. I guess Sam can't quit trying to take care of me anymore than I can quit loving him.

Finally the muscle spasms subside and Sam helps clean me up. He manages to get me to drink some water and helps me undress for bed. I'm somewhat out of it and I know it's only a matter of time before I pass out. I vaguely notice soft warmth on my back as he gently rubs on me, and before I'm out to the world, I swear I hear him saying he misses me.

I wake up to the coffee pot brewing and I can hear someone in the kitchen. For a minute I forget about last night and the fact that Sam and I no longer live together. Then it all comes back to me and I'm over come with emotion. I try so hard to hold it together but I bury myself into my pillow and let the tears roll. Within a few seconds I can feel someone sitting on my bed.

"You feeling okay Andy?" Sam asks me with concern etched in his voice.

"How can you even ask me that?" I shoot back at him. He doesn't respond and I turn over knowing I need to face him.

"What the hell were you thinking last night?" His words sound angry but his tone is nothing but gentle.

"I was thinking I wanted to be numb for just a few hours. I wanted to be someplace where I knew that I would not recognize anyone. I didn't count on drinking so much that I would act the way that I did." I'm all of a sudden flooded with memories of me and a table. "Oh no, did I really dance on top of a table?"

"Yes and had I not been so worried about what could have happened to you had we not found where you were at, I would have been insanely jealous that you never danced for me like that," Sam explains with a look that tells me he's remembering last night's events.

"Stop thinking of me dancing last night. I'm so embarrassed."

Sam laughs a little and then becomes serious. "For as long as I live I will never forget that image of you last night."

Silence fills the air as we sit there and stare at each other. Not sure if he is contemplating making a move or not but I realize then that Sam never left me last night. "Where did you sleep?"

"On the couch, you were too intoxicated for me to leave you ."

"Thank you," I whisper. Sam just smiles back at me. "So what now?"

"We try to find our new normal," Sam responds like it's the easiest thing in the world to do…like going to the store shopping for a new summer top.

"What is that exactly?" Do I even want to know the answer I wonder.

"We have to figure out how we are going to co-exist in the same police department with the knowledge we can never be together."

"Says you. Look Sam do you really think I don't worry about you too…because I do, every day. But I don't expect you to quit what you were obviously made to do."

"I know what I asked you was unfair but it's how I feel. You know my history of growing up in foster care because my father split and my mom was hooked on drugs. I was all my sister had for support while I never had anyone. I thought I didn't need anyone until you came along. My strong, determined, sweet rookie. You were, still are, the most precious thing to ever enter my life. If I can't protect you then I have to let you go, because when it comes to keeping you safe, failing is not an option. If you continue to put yourself in the line of fire, I can't keep watching and hoping one day I'll be there for you when you need me most. As a co-worker I will do my best to always have your back, but I can't be anything else for you, the risk of losing you is too great."

I sit there staring at him knowing there is nothing I can say that will change the situation. "I can't change my career in law enforcement, I'm afraid I will end up resenting you."

"I know that and that's why I'm not angry with you this time for choosing your career over me." I know Sam is referring to when I went to Tamagami for three months during our suspension. It took a couple of weeks before he let that one go. "My only regret is that I didn't realize this sooner. If I'd have known this is how I would feel once we were able to finally be together, and I could feel the true extent of my love for you, I would have never allowed us to happen. I didn't anticipate ever feeling this way for someone." Sam reaches up to caress my face but he slowly pulls his hand away. My heart sinks again.

"I saw you talking to Boyd, I guess going back to Guns and Gangs is your way of dealing with the break up." I say this like I'm angry at him, but the truth is I'm terrified at the thought of going months without seeing him.

"Actually you are."

My breath catches and I'm not sure I heard him right. "What do you mean?"

"Boyd was briefing me on the next assignment and it requires a female. He asked me if I thought you were up for the challenge."

"I'm sure you said no just to keep me out of danger."

"I said yes." The look on Sam's face shows me just how hard it was for him to admit that. "I don't want to hold you back from what you love to do just because I can't be there for you when you return."

My heart shatters when I hear these words. I turn away from him and stare out the window. I don't even bother to wipe away the tears falling down my face, I don't need to because Sam is wiping them away for me.

Turning my face back to him he pleads with me not to look away. "If you want the job we have a meeting with the Deputy District Attorney Jackson Cole next week."

"What do you mean we?" I'm afraid to hope.

"Boyd wants me in on the operation, he says no one knows how you work better than me. At this point it's for consultation only, but I might at some point go under cover with you. Not sure yet how everything is going to play out."

"So you change partners only to agree to go undercover with me?" I ask him feeling so confused. "And they say women are complicated." Sam laughs at my response and it breaks some of the tension between us. "It's good to see you smile. The last time we were together in this apartment you were so broken."

"Ya well I was, and if we're being truthful, I still am. I can't let that get in the way of my job or yours though Andy."

"So who's the lucky lady you've been drowning your sorrows with this last week." I instantly regret asking this question because I really don't want to know.

"Andy, I didn't sleep with anyone the entire time you were with Luke, even when I found out about your engagement. Why would you think I would run out and find another woman just days after we end our engagement?"

"I just figured," I go quiet unable to finish my sentence.

Sam stands up from what was once our bed and before he walks out the door he turns to me. "Coffee is made in the kitchen, I know you're going to need it. Try and enjoy your weekend. See you at work in a couple days."

He doesn't wait for my response before he's out the door. I let go of the breath I didn't know I was holding. I allow my head to fall back onto my pillow and pull the covers over my head in an attempt to forget about life for a while.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey everyone, thanks again for the reviews. Hope you enjoy the chapter.

"So I'll be going under cover as a junkie?" I'm sitting in Boyd's office the following week after my stellar night of intoxication, and DDA Jackson Cole is briefing us on a big case he's trying to prosecute.

"Essentially yes," he answers back. "I'm tired of prosecuting the lower level dealers when I know if we could just find out where the dope is coming from, we really could make a dent in the drug trafficking going through Toronto."

"Any Intel about what area and names of people she needs to be looking intergrading herself with?" Sam asks Jackson.

"Yes actually. I enjoy listening in on jail phone calls that the perps I'm prosecuting make and I've come across a name that is mentioned quite a bit but everyone seems too scared to talk much about him. Does the name Jagger sound at all familiar?"

I think about the suspects I've arrested over the last year and I don't remember the name Jagger coming up. "Not that I can remember."

"I have," Boyd states.

"Yeah, so have I, back when I was working on the Antoine Hill case," Sam declared.

Sam and I instantly make eye contact and we both smile remembering my first day on the job when I arrested him.

"Ah yes, I had just started as a prosecutor and I remember hearing about this case." Jackson is also smiling, trying hard not to laugh because we all are looking at Boyd, and judging by the scowl on his face, he apparently has not let that bust go.

"Sorry, okay? How many more times do I have to apologize?" I ask defensively because Boyd's scowl is directed at me.

"Eight months McNally, eight months," Boyd feels the need to point out.

"Hey if Sam can let it go, SO CAN YOU!"

Before this conversation turns into an all out argument, Jackson steps in to discuss when I start undercover. "Boyd and Sam will be making the arrangements as far as your living situation and identification."

"So, why me?" I ask.

"I told Boyd I needed a female to go under and he said you would be a good choice," Jackson explained. "Quite frankly I think you'll be a perfect fit. According to these dealers, Jagger has a weakness for beautiful woman, and you are definitely gorgeous."

I can see Sam out of the corner of his eye turn from me to Jackson. If I was Jackson I would be feeling a little intimidated with Sam leaning against the table, his arms crossed, and looking like he isn't sure whether to be angry or not. Except Jackson could probably hold his own. "Tall, dark, and handsome" is the nickname many female cops have given him when talking about their favorite DDA.

"Thank you," I tell him. I know I'm blushing and Sam avoids looking my way. I really don't like compliments, especially one that causes tension in the room.

"Okay then," Boyd chimes in trying to cut through the awkward silence. Turning to us he says, "McNally and Sam, since you missed parade to staff this case, Best said you're working together today."

Great, now I'm the tense one. Before we can leave, Jackson pulls me aside and what he says next has me wanting to crawl under the table to hide.

"Hey Andy, you going to the Policemen's Ball this weekend?" Jackson asks me with his intense gaze that he's famous for.

The Policemen's Ball is the annual fundraiser for children who are aging out of foster care to help with college scholarships. Anyone from law enforcement, the DA's office, probation officers, and other community partners that work with children or help to keep our community safe are invited to attend. The Ball always happens at the Bayview Golf and Country Club, and everyone dresses up in their formal wear. Lots of people decide to go all out with renting limousines.

Before I can answer I hear a pencil snap behind me, and I instantly know Sam is now equipped with one less writing utensil. I try to ignore his presence, although that is pretty impossible. "Yes I was planning on it."

"You have a date yet?"

"No I'm going solo." Oh no, is he really going to do what I think he's going to do?

"How you are not taken, I don't understand. It would be my honor if I could take you." Yup, he just did. Jackson seems fairly confident that I'm going to say yes. Modesty is not a strong suit of his. I've testified in court many times when he's been the prosecutor and he has no shortage of confidence.

I feel conflicted because honestly there is no one else I would rather be going to the Ball with than Sam, but he's made it perfectly clear we don't have a future together. So with this knowledge I say the only thing I can say, "Yes."

Jackson's lips form into a huge grin. "Excellent, I'll have our limo pick me up first and we'll be at your place at seven o'clock."

I wish I could smile as genuine as him. " Sounds perfect." With that Jackson walks out of the room. I slowly turn around and Sam is staring at me.

"Well that didn't take long." Sam says with a hint of anger.

"I'm just as shocked as you are," I bite back at him.

"Oh, I didn't say I was shocked."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask really irritated right now with what I think he's implying.

"Nothing, lets just go. I don't have a right to an opinion on your love life." Sam turns around and walks out the door and down the stairs. I follow behind him, keeping my distance. By the time I catch up at the car, he already has it started and is ready to go.

We're barely out of the parking lot when we're called to a bank robbery in progress. As if no time has passed since the last time we've worked together, Sam flips on the lights and I respond to dispatch.

"I didn't know you and Jackson were so close?" Sam asks but this time he isn't so excusatory. Glad to know he's calmed down a little.

"We've worked together on previous cases of mine when the perps I've arrested decide to take the case to trial instead of plea bargaining. Being a rookie we've spent many hours prepping me for trials."

Sam doesn't respond and the next few minutes until we arrive at the bank are met with silence. When we are finally on scene I notice several other officers have already made it including Traci and Diaz. I'm reminded by how lucky I feel to have such a forgiving friend. I met with Traci the day after my night at the Alpine and apologized for putting her in a bad situation. She told me not to worry and we wasted no time before I caught her up with what happened with Sam.

I see Traci coming my way when she sees that I've responded to the scene. She takes one look at Sam and realizes we are working together today.

"Hey, you doing okay?" Traci asks cautiously.

"Yeah, were fine. We were being briefed on the undercover assignment Jackson is asking for. Who by the way just asked me to the Policemen's Ball."

"What?" Traci asks completely surprised. "How? When? What did Sam say?"

"Well after the briefing he pulled me aside and asked. I had no other choice but to say yes. Sam I think is having a tough time. " Thinking about Sam taking his own date has my stomach tied in knots.

"You ready to date someone new?"

"Of course not. I don't plan on dating Jackson or anyone for that matter. I'm still holding out hope that Sam will get tired of fighting his feelings for me and realize he can't live without me."

"Nash, McNally, we need you over hear," Oliver yells over to us. We table this discussion for now. Walking over to where everyone is positioned, my instincts as a police officer take over, and it feels good to focus on something that makes me happy for a while.

After a three hour stand off the perps finally surrender and the hostages are released. Later that night as I'm having a drink (just one drink this time) at the Penny with the gang we are happy to see Dov join us. Everyone stands up and gives Dov a hug, welcoming him home to our "family". Diaz orders Dov a beer and we just sit around the table catching up Dov with the latest office gossip.

"So Noelle's pregnant," Gail states.

"Jerry and I are getting married," Traci blurts out a little nervous for Dov's response. He just smiles and gives her a hug.

"That's great Traci. So happy for you and Jerry."

"And Sam and I broke up." Apparently Dov didn't see that one coming because he was taking a drink of his beer and spit it right back out at the news of our break up.

"WHAT? After two very long and drawn out years of you both pining for each other, it's over already?"

"Yup"

"Did I mention two very long and drawn out years?"

"Yes Dov, I know."

Of course Dov asks what happened and so I tell him how Sam watched how devastated he was when Sue died and he didn't want that for him. He felt that if that was me, every less day we weren't together as a couple, meant less pain for him.

"Idiot," finally responds after my explanation.

I can't help but agree with him and when I tell him about my date with Jackson, I realize I forgot to tell everyone else. I'm forced to tell the story over again, and right as I'm done, Sam walks through the front door with Oliver and Jerry. They join us at the table and for the rest of the night, Sam and I do a good job at pretending like our hearts aren't breaking.

It's Saturday night and I just put on the finishing touches of my make up. I look at myself in the mirror and reflect on the image before me. I look at the red siren of a dress that Traci talked me into buying. The front dips down in between my breasts while the back is non existent until the material reaches my hips, then it flows down to my ankles. I leave my hair down and soft curls frame my face and shoulders. The only thing that would make this evening perfect is Sam to be on the other side of the door when I finally hear the doorbell.

Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and become mentally prepared for what this night might bring. I have to face the reality that Sam might have a date as well, and that he will start to move on. When I open the door Jackson is on the other side, and when he sees me I might have literally taken his breath away. After a second or two of my date taking me in visually, he finally responds.

"Gorgeous"

"Thank you," I say. Locking the door behind me, he offers me his arm and we walk out to the limo waiting for us.

Arriving at the country club I notice the party is already going full blast. People waste no time tearing up the dance floor and ordering drinks from the bar. I receive several stares from fellow female attendees, and I know I am the envy of many. Too bad I would trade places with anyone of them if it meant I would be on Sam's arm tonight.

Sam. I immediately start looking around for him and notice him among some of the guys from Guns and Gangs. I breathe a sigh of relief when I don't see some blonde bimbo standing next to him. His back is to me and I fight the urge to go to him.

"You okay," my date asks me. "You look like your staring off in the distance."

I didn't realize my gaze was so fixed, but Sam does seem to have that affect on me. "Yeah I'm fine." I say to him forcing a smile.

He walks me to the bar and John from Guns and Gangs notices us. He nudges Sam who turns around and finally realizes I've arrived. For a short time my eyes are paralyzed on him as Jackson continues to guide me through the crowd. I've never seen Sam clean up so good. Freshly shaven and he's actually wearing a tuxedo. Hell might have frozen over.

Once Sam is out of my line of sight I quickly look back at him. Sam looks like he's frozen in time. I have to be strong enough to look away, and when I do, I quickly compose myself. I'm worried for a second that Jackson caught that whole show, but I realize he was too busy being a politician and greeting everyone that comes his way. When we arrive at the bar he orders me a drink, and while we wait, I feel his hand on the small of my back.

The first part of the night is pretty uneventful with the cocktail party and finally dinner. I take in the surroundings and notice the beautiful flowers decorating the tables and the white lights bordering the dance floor.

I do my best to avoid looking at Sam seated at the same table as me. Sometimes when I think life couldn't be crueler I have to wonder if life thinks that's a challenge. My determination wavers at times and I catch myself, against my better judgment, looking at him, and I guess I'm not really surprised when I catch him doing the same. Is it wrong I feel relieved that he didn't bring a date?

After our plates are cleared the auction begins, and local artwork is given to the highest bidder. I lose interest in what's going on, but instead think about how some might be surprised that someone like Sam Swarek would come to such a function. What most people don't know is that he grew up in foster care and beat the odds for someone who aged out of the system. So when my attention is brought back to the present because I hear Sam start to bid on a painting I'm not surprised. What I'm surprised though is what painting he is hoping to take home with him.

I'm reminded of the first time Sam and I made love. The look on his face as he realized I was finally giving myself to him will forever be etched in my mind as one of the greatest moments of my life. Just thinking about that first night we spent together gives me butterflies. He was so gentle and caring, and after as we laid in each others arms, I wondered why I'd waited so long. Then saying goodbye just a few short hours later, the loneliness that I never expected to feel set in. I guess he felt the same way because the next night when Sam called me, I'd never felt such excitement at the thought of meeting up with him. Then the devastation came when Sam was kidnapped and I didn't know if I'd ever see him again. Boyd blamed me for Sam's disappearance, but in all reality he was to blame. One minor, but very serious mistake, might have taken Sam away from me forever.

After several bids back and forth between Sam and a probation officer, the love of my life is the new owner of a painting of several boats docked in the Toronto harbor with one boat the main focus. God's Good Grace.

I don't make any attempt to hide my response and I turn to him without hesitation. His gaze is so intense, I'm immediately a deer trapped in headlights. In this moment I'm his all over again. It's as if I can see every memory he has of us during that time flashing across his face. He told me once how scared he was that Brennan had hurt me or worse, and once he knew I was okay, anything that Brennan did to him didn't matter. I told him he was insane because I saw the injuries left on him. "Oh McNally, you have no idea how much knowing you were safe got me through that time," he whispers into my ear one night in bed. Chills ran up and down my body and I couldn't help but turn my head and meet his lips with mine. That night we made love like we were on borrowed time. Looking at him now I know he is remembering that as well.

"Well Sam, congratulations," Jackson says to break our silent conversation.

I look up at my date and I'm not sure how he's feeling right now. The MC announces the auction is over and music starts to play. Jackson stands up and extends his hand out to me. "May I have the pleasure of a dance with you?"

I can't bear to look at Sam so I smile and place my hand in his, and I let him lead me out to the dance floor. Jackson puts his arms around my waist while mine circle his neck and we start swaying to the music.

Looking at all of the other couples out on the dance floor I notice Traci and Jerry and Chris and Gail having a good time. Basking in each others embrace, I hope they know how lucky they are. Dov is in the back talking with some of the guys from the bomb squad. We were all happy to see him tonight, glad he is finally making an effort to not be alone anymore. Then I see Sam leading Jo Rosatti to the dance floor. Seriously? He must really want to hurt me.

I avoid looking at him at all costs and try my best to finish this dance without losing my composure. Afterwards I excuse myself to the bathroom where I run into Noelle.

"Hey Andy, having a good time?"

"The best," I say while plastering on a fake smile.

"Riiiight. If an orchestra of bagpipes came into the room earlier not even they would have been able to break up the staring contest between you and Swarek after he purchased that painting.

Feeling frustrated I sigh and rub my hands over my face. Then I remember the make up I'm not used to wearing and I swear.

"Hey, it's going to work out, I just know it," Noelle encourages me. "Besides I'm pretty sure you broke him down a little tonight looking like that," she says while eyeballing me up and down.

With a half laugh I respond, "thanks".

"He'll realize sooner or later he can't live without you and he'll come around. Now come here and let me fix your make up."

After Noelle checks me over and fixes the smudges, I'm on my way out when I notice Jackson leaving with Boyd out the door leading to the patio. Before I have time to think about what they're talking about a slow song starts to play and I feel a familiar hand on my shoulder. This simple gesture makes my heart remember the last time Sam put his hand on my shoulder after I thought he had just rejected me.

Turning around I come face to face with him. "Sam."

He doesn't say a word but instead his hand slides down my arm ever so slowly and when he reaches my hand, he intertwines his fingers with mine, and suddenly I'm being led out onto the dance floor by the only man I've wanted this whole night. Without hesitating we embrace and become one with the music.

"You're shaking," Sam asks with worry.

"You're confusing," I respond.

Letting out a little laugh, Sam holds me closer. Feeling his check resting against mine I struggle to not let my emotions show.

"You look amazing, took my breath away the moment I saw you. I'm still not sure I'm breathing yet," Sam whispers in my ear. I can feel his warm breathe on me and my body is responding.

"That must be why you danced with Jo of all people?"

"I know that was a cheap shot. Sorry," Sam says sincerely.

"Sam," I barely say for I'm about to break down.

"Shh, just be with me right now." I can feel Sam pushing back my hair and touching my earrings. The earrings my father gave me when I graduated high school. "Your father would be happy to know you have a piece of him with you tonight."

Surprised that he remembers my story about these earrings. I described them to Sam during our investigation two years ago when we were trying to clear my father's name as a possible murder suspect. "You remember them?"

"Hmm, I remember everything McNally."

My breath catches. "Sam you have to stop doing this to me. Don't you see you are utterly killing me here. I'm dying a little everyday without you and then you string me along."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I've just been so lost without you." Now I'm starting to hear the desperation in his voice. "I should never have done this. I'm sorry Andy." And just like that he left me alone on the dance floor. I felt so helpless as I watched him walk away and out the front door towards the parking lot.

Traci found me a few minutes later sitting at a table, still reeling from tonight's events.

"I saw the whole thing Andy, you okay?"

"No, but I know now what I have to do. I have no choice but to cut off all ties with him. He needs to figure out what he wants and then go for it. I have some vacation time and I think I'm going to take it immediately. I don't start my undercover assignment for a few more weeks anyway." I start to feel some relief with my decision to put physical distance between us.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Thanks Traci, you're such a good friend. I'm all caught up with my paperwork so I should be fee to take an immediate leave of absence. I just need to get in a better place emotionally if I'm to go under."

Traci puts her hand on my arm and gives me a squeeze. "You know I'm here for you anytime day or night."

"I know, and I love you for that."

"Hey you ready to go, you look tired. Beautiful but tired." I look up and see Jackson standing above us.

I say my goodbyes to Traci before leaving. The limo is outside waiting for us, and Jackson puts his arm around me as we ride back to my place.

"I had a good time tonight. I don't suppose I could convince you to forget about Swarek and go out on another date with me?"

I turn to Jackson surprised by his question. "Huh, how did you know?"

"Anyone in a ten mile radius could see the chemistry between you too. While Boyd and I were outside talking about some new potential cases that have come up recently, I asked him if you and Swarek had history. Let's just say I got an earful," Jackson explains with a little smirk.

"Yeah, I bet you did. Boyd isn't my greatest fan."

"Yes but I think Sam is. I'm not sure what happened but he was a damn fool to let you go. If you come to the realization that you deserve better I hope you give me a chance to show you."

"Thank you. I just wish someone would tell him that."

"Oh you didn't hear about his conversation, or I guess I could say altercation, with Dov tonight?"

I'm shocked by this and I ask him to explain further.

"A bunch of your friends from 15 were outside just talking, but every time Sam would say something, Dov would become a little bit more hostile towards him. I think Sam let it go for a while because it was Dov, but it got to the point where Sam couldn't ignore Dov's behavior anymore. When he asked why Dov was acting that way, Dov unleashed on Sam. He started talking about how he would give anything to have Sue back and he's just throwing you away. Sam didn't say a whole lot back to him other than he never wanted to hurt the way Dov is right now."

"What did Dov say to that?"

"He said that Sam was being an idiot because he couldn't see that he would feel exactly that much pain whether he was with or without you. At least if he was with you he would be cherishing what you two have and not throwing it away on his selfish insecurities."

"Remind me to thank Dove later," I tell Jackson because I'm pretty sure I might have myself believe tomorrow that I had just imagined this whole conversation. Before tonight I would hope and pray for something like this to happen, now I just don't have the fight left in me to care. I've made my decision and the new and improved Andy starts tomorrow after a good night's sleep.

When we arrive at my place Jackson walks me to my door and makes sure I'm safely inside before he kisses me on the cheek and leaves. I want to have an early start tomorrow, so after I change into more comfortable clothes, I begin my packing tonight. I'm not sure where I'm going yet, but I plan on driving south and I'll see where I end up, maybe Seattle.

I'm just about done and ready to wash off my make up when I hear a knock on the door. Probably Traci coming over to check on me. I make my way to the door and without even bothering to look through the peep hole, I open my door to the one person I would never expect to see tonight.

"McNally?"

"Sam."


	5. Chapter 5

Is it possible to actually believe you are hallucinating? Because seeing Sam Swarek on the other side of my door at one in the morning does not seem possible, but yet here he is. I'm not sure what happened to Sam in the few short hours since I last saw him because he went from debonair to broken.

"Sam."

"Can I come in?" Sam asks.

"I'm done letting you play head games with me." I'm determined to stand my ground.

"Please, I don't want to play games anymore; that was never my intention in the first place." There is sincerity in his voice, but it doesn't make me anymore forgiving.

"You know all I want to do right now is slam this door your face," I say to him not holding back my anger.

"I'm hoping you don't. I know I don't have any right to ask anything of you," Sam says to me honestly.

"Well that's one thing you've gotten right lately." I know I'm not being nice but I don't care anymore. He has hurt me for the last time.

"Please McNally," Sam pleads with me. "You know I would never intentionally hurt you."

Before I listen to my better judgment I step aside and let him in. Sam lets out a sigh of relief and walks past me, until he reaches the center of my living room and stops once he sees some of my packed bags.

"Are you going somewhere?" Sam asks with concern.

"Yeah, thought I would take a lesson from you and leave," I say harshly. A few seconds tick by and I can tell Sam doesn't know how to respond. "Look Sam, just say what you got to say and then go."

Waiting a few more seconds before answering, all the while looking at me, I can tell he doesn't know where to start. He runs his hands through his hair, closes his eyes, and then finally he begins to say the words I've given up hope of ever hearing.

"I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. I've been a complete fool thinking if I could keep you at an emotional distance then my feelings for you will lesson. These last couple of weeks have been pure hell. Worse than any torture Jamie Brennan could have done to me."

"Sam, no don't say that." I wasn't prepared for how much these words and emotions coming from Sam would affect me. I slowly start to feel my anger dissipate, and that in itself has be unbelievably frustrated.

"It's true McNally. It just took Dov tonight to help me realize what I knew all along."

"Yes, I heard about your run in with him."

"Can I please just hold you in my arms for a little while? I don't expect for you to take me back, but I need to feel you. It absolutely killed me to see you with Jackson tonight."

I don't see much hope in him when he asks; I think he believes I'll say no. The truth is I want him so much but I'm afraid my walls will come crumbling down.

"Sam, I can't. I know how you feel thought, it's how I felt when I saw you with Jo."

"It was just a dance, you were on an actual date."

I wasn't expecting him to look as broken as those words. It's too much to bear and I walk away into my bedroom. Feeling like I'm going to collapse I sit on my bed. Bad idea because I instantly remember all of the nights we shared together.

As if Sam is reading my mind I hear him walk into the bedroom and stand against the door frame. "We've had a lot of great nights together in that bed," Sam says to me. "I'm hoping you haven't forgotten."

"As if I ever could," I laugh a little in disbelief that any of this conversation is happening. I get up from the bed and as try and walk past him he gently grabs my wrist. "Sam please don't."

"McNally, if you can look me in the eyes and honestly tell me you don't love me anymore, then I'll walk away. I'll do whatever you need from me as your partner, and I won't expect anything else."

"Sam you know I love you. That isn't our obstacle. You completely abandoned me because you didn't want to get hurt, so you hurt me instead."

"I hurt myself too," Sam responds back without missing a beat. "I've woken up every day counting down the minutes until I can crawl back into bed and forget the world exists. I'm tired of living my life like this, I was selfish and I hurt the one person in this world that I can't live without. I want you back, I want us back." There is so much emotion in his voice; I think he's going to break down any moment. "Please McNally; will you let me back into your life again? Will you give us another try?"

I'm no longer looking at Sam but instead my eyes are fixated on the floor. Hundreds of memories and emotions are pulsing through my body. The very thought that this nightmare could be over and I'll have my love back with me seems impossible. Looking at him I respond. "What about the next time I'm in the line of fire, or worse, I get hurt. Tell me Sam should I expect you to walk away? Should I have my friends on stand by for whenever this happens?"

"Baby, as long as I live, I'm forever by your side. The thought that I could bury you someday like Dov had to do with Sue is a pain to great for me to even comprehend. My whole life I've gone without caring. I'm sorry you had to deal with the fallout for when I finally started to care. Now I'm going to ask you again, will you let me back into your life? I promise I'll guard your heart forever. I know it will never be easy to see you in danger, and I can't always promise I won't be over protective, but I do promise I won't let it cause me to walk away again."

Come on Andy, just tell him okay. One word and you'll have him back. I'm fighting back tears threatening to wash away my resolve of guarding my heart against Sam Swarek, but in the end I know it's no use. He's my one and only.

"Okay," I whisper. Looking up at him I say it again with more conviction. "Okay."

A cry escapes Sam's lips and he quickly embraces me. I can hear his heart beating as I'm resting the side of my face on his chest. God he feels so good, I never thought I would feel him like this again.

"He gently tilts my face up with both of his hands. "Thank you," he says. Then before I can even think his lips are on mine. First our kisses are soft and slow. Then they start to grow more intense until Sam picks me up in his strong and capable arms and carries me to the bed. We don't spend a lot of time exploring each other before we make love. Our time away has been long and filled with sorrow. Tonight it's about reconnecting and starting over with urgency that we have never felt before.

After our breathing slows and our sweat starts to dry, we finally are able to form words again. Sam holds me in his protective embrace and this is where we spend the rest of our night together.

Morning comes and the sun gleams through the shades. I open my eyes and my first thought is whether or not I was dreaming last night. Then I take in the warmth surrounding me and the soft gentle kisses on my neck. I know although Sam coming to me last night was straight out of my dreams, it couldn't have been more real, and for the first time in a long time I smile.

"I love you Sam."

"I love you too McNally."


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you everyone for the reviews. I hope you are all happy that Sam and Andy are back together. Sorry it took me so long to update. I'm more comfortable with writing drama than fluff. Hope you enjoy this chapter.

"Oh. My. God," I breathlessly say as I fall back onto the bed. I look up and see the love of my life looking down at me with a big grin. "What are you grinning about?"

"Hmm I think you know what I'm grinning about. I've spent all night showing you just how much I've missed you," Sam responds back playfully. Without hesitation he leans down and kisses me.

"Mmmm, yeah it's vaguely coming to mind," I say as I coyly bite my lip looking up at him.

"You're so beautiful McNally," Sam blurts out.

I'm taken a little bit by surprise. "Sure, I can only imagine how I look since you kept me occupied most of the night and I never washed off my make up."

"Waking up to you this morning, I have never seen you more beautiful," Sam answers back tenderly.

We spend the next several minutes holding each other until our stomachs kick into gear and we hear the grumblings. Neither one of us really ate much at dinner last night, not really feeling up to eating at the fundraiser.

"Why don't you take a shower and I'll start breakfast," Sam offers.

"Why don't you join me in the shower and then we'll start breakfast together."

"Because I know we won't make it out of the shower for a long time if I follow you in, and we're both starving."

"True but we'll have so much fun," I say seductively as possible as I lean up to him and whisper in his ear. Pulling back from I give him the best Bambi eyes I can muster.

Sam closes his eyes and moans. I can tell he's having some internal war going on.

"Come on Sam, let the little devil on your shoulder win."

Throwing his head back in surrender he agrees. "Okay but if you pass out from exhaustion don't blame me," Sam says as he picks me up and throws me over his shoulder.

"Sam put me down." The words barely escape my lips because I'm laughing so hard.

"Not a chance sweetheart."

The rest of the morning goes by in a blur. We managed to keep our shower fairly short and then enjoyed a quiet breakfast with each other. Holding hands, I caught Sam on more than one occasion staring at me.

"What?" I asked him after about the fifth time.

"I just love you." As if he needed to prove it, he leaned into me for another kiss. This time his lips stayed on mine. The heat between us is starting to build again. I never tire of kissing Sam Swarek.

"I love you too," I say against his lips, our warm breaths becoming one. I smile at him and give him one more quick kiss.

After breakfast we decide to surprise Jerry and Traci with the news that we're back together. Sam and I fall into a peaceful silence on our way over to our friend's house, and I'm filled with excitement to share with my best friend that my heart is finally whole again.

Ever since Sam knocked on my door last night, it's as if my heart is completely healed. I was sick and Sam was the remedy. I try not to let my thoughts wonder to the place that doubts Sam is with me for the long haul. The thought of him deciding my life as a police officer really is too much for him and he leaves again has my eyes stinging with that liquid emotion again. Just when I realize I let the doubt creep in, I feel Sam squeeze my hand. I look up at him and notice we are parked in front of Jerry house.

"Hey, baby what's wrong?" Sam asks gently pulling my face towards him.

I wipe away the tears that I didn't realize were leaving trails on my face. "I'm sorry, I was just thinking, what if you decided to leave again because you can't handle me and my job?"

"McNally I want you to listen to me." Sam takes my left hand and places it against his heart. "For as long as this heart is beating, I will never walk away from you again."

I see the desperation in his eyes for me to believe him. The fears and doubts are instantly washed away by the depths of his eyes and the fierce determination in his voice. Closing my eyes I take a few deep breaths. His lips are on mine again and I instantly respond. I'm not sure how long we're like this but we break apart when we hear Jerry yelling at us from the porch.

'Hey get a room you two. What does this place look like to you? The evidence room at the station? I don't think so." We hear Jerry laughing and when we muster up enough courage to look at him I see Traci standing next to Jerry laughing in disbelief.

"I trust you Sam, I just might need a reminder every now and again."

"You can count on it." Sam gives me one more quick kiss and we exit the truck. I meet Sam on his side and we walk hand in hand to Jerry and Traci.

It doesn't take long for us to catch our friends up on our latest relationship news. Jerry and Traci are not shocked at all. They told us there is a pool going on down at the station on how long it would take Sam to realize how ridiculous he was being and ask for me back. Although Jerry is happy for us, he is a little annoyed that Shaw won the bet. I think its funny, but Sam not so much.

The rest of the afternoon is spent with Jerry and Traci just hanging out, telling stories, and having a good time. It feels amazing to be here with Sam, his arm wrapped around me for most of the day. We order pizza for dinner and watch a couple of movies. Finally the activities of last night and this morning, combined with very little sleep, threaten to overtake us.

We say our goodbyes and go home for the night. As we're getting ready for bed I have a little thought that Sam might like.

"You know Sam I know of a way to make you want to kiss sleep goodbye," I say to him as he's climbing into bed.

"Oh no, we need sleep. In fact I think I'm still pleasantly numb from this morning and delirious from lack of sleep last night."

"Oh really, okay then I guess I won't be dancing for you after all. I guess that will just be reserved for the guys at the Alpine." I smirk because Sam's jaw might have almost hit the floor.

Sam groans and puts the pillow over his head. "McNally, get in the bed. I need lots of sleep before I watch you put on a private show for me, because when you're done, you're not going to be getting out of this bed for a long time."

I don't even bother to hide my laughter. Shaking my head I climb into bed next Sam. He slides the pillow off his face and I notice he's staring at me.

"You like to torture me don't you?"

"No," I answer pretending to be shy.

"Uh huh, we are both going to get some sleep and when we wake up I'm going to collect on your offer, and I get to pick the song."

"No way! My dance, my song."

"Oh no, the dance is for me, which means I get to pick the song." The grin on his face right now is one of amusement and I might be sorry tomorrow that I presented this offer to him.

"Good night McNally," Sam says as he kisses me goodnight.

"Good night Sam," I respond back and curl up next to him with his strong arms holding me.

Several minutes go by and just when I think Sam's asleep and I'm almost ready to drift off as well I hear Sam take a deep breath.

"McNally?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for taking me back and giving our love another chance." The relief and sincerity in his voice is overwhelming.

"There wasn't even a choice to make."

With that said, we find contentment in the moment and drift off to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while. When I learned about the inevitable break up of McSwarek I lost my desire to re-post for a while. I sure hope their breakup doesn't last long. Please review, they make my day. Thanks so much for reading. **

I look into the mirror of this rundown motel room that has been my home for the last month and I keep thinking how I got here. I take in the cracked walls, stains on the bedspread, and the leaking facet that just won't stop. Sometimes I really believe the walls are closing in on me. I realize I've been subconsciously rubbing my arms, probably to offer what little comfort I can. I feel pain and look down and see the tops of my fingers are rubbing over the bruises on the insides of my arms.

Who was fooling who? Was I fooling myself to think I could handle this type of assignment or were Sam and Donavon fooling me into believing I could? Suddenly the little bit of food that is in my stomach decides to make an appearance and I run to the small enclosed bathroom and expel my breakfast from earlier this morning. When my stomach finally decides to calm down I lay my head on the cold comfort of the bathroom chipped tiles. Taking slow steady breaths I think of all that has transpired in the last month.

My last night with Sam before I started this undercover op was quiet and intimate. We spent most of the night making love, and if I try really hard, I can still remember what it feels like to be wrapped up in his arms. As he gently stroked my hair we swore our love for each other and he promised to be backing me up, if not in person, than behind the scenes.

The morning we said goodbye was filled with emotions. I could tell his over protectiveness was fighting its way to the surface, but Sam's trust in me won out in the end. Looking into his chocolate brown eyes, the intensity of his love was pleasantly overwhelming. I'd like to think he could feel my love for him just as much.

Donavon and Sam had already debriefed me with presence of DDA Jackson Cole who wanted to be a part of this every step of the way as well. I didn't worry about Sam and Jackson having to work together. Jackson sees what is so obvious between me and Sam, and he hasn't tried to interfere much to the delight of all the single females at 15.

With one final kiss that held so much promise and hope, I wrapped my arms around Sam's strong waist and tried to stamp in my mind the feel of his body against mine. We reluctantly let go after an obvious clearing of the throat by Donavon. Sam walked me to my new car fit for a drug addict that was assigned to me from the impound yard. He opened my door for me, one last chance to act like a gentleman, because God knows I was not going to be around any gentlemen for a while.

Sam gave me a half smile and quickly shut my door. With one turn of the key my car started to life, as if symbolic that a new life is starting for me. A quick twenty minute drive across town I checked into the Bunny Motel. Not exactly known for visitors to the city, but instead one of those places you rent by the hour, only I'm lucky enough to call this hellhole home.

With the leads that Donavon gave me, it didn't take more than a couple of days for me to find Jagger. My job was to get close to him and find out the schedules of his drugs coming into the area and the distribution to which dealers. Everything about my life is so different, beyond any comfort zone I ever thought about leaving. From my trashy clothes, to my make up, and my personality. But I think about what Sam said to me that night three years ago before we left for the Mermaid Lounge, "you don't exactly scream cheap thrills", and I guess I realize why Jagger has taken a liking to me. It's what Donavon wanted all along, and although Sam knew this was part of the op, I can hear the strain in his voice as he's asking me questions during my weekly debriefing at our secret location every Sunday night. It's always a different meeting place, and I never know until Sam texts me that day.

Seeing Sam is the only thing that gets me through the week. My secret savior as I like to call him right now. Our meetings would be so much better if Donavon and Jackson weren't there. It's pure torture to not be alone with Sam, although he does his best to sneak me in a kiss before I leave.

My thoughts come back into focus and I realize I've lost track of time. I don't know how long I've been lying on the floor. I take my time rising and my hand searches for the clock on the bathroom counter. Finding the hard plastic, I grab the device and bring it down to eye level. 10:30 PM, great! It's Sunday night and I have only a half an hour until I have to meet with them, I need to try and pull myself together.

Grasping the sink I force my legs to start working and I stand up and look at myself once again in the mirror. My mascara is smudged so I quickly take a wash cloth and wipe furiously under my eyes. Once again the bruises on the inside of my arms flash in my eye sight, and I shudder at the memory. What am I going to tell them? What am I going to tell Sam? How am I going to expect him to not pull me out altogether and become that overprotective person he was after Sue died? Will he even want me after he finds out?

The room once again starts to spin and I grab the sink to steady myself. Breathe McNally, you can do this. My resolve weakens and I slowly start walking to the drawer by my bed with only one thought on my mind. NO! I can't do this.

I can't believe it's only been three nights since the incident. I went to Jagger's house to hang out with the low life's working for him when Jagger finally made his move on me. I wasn't interested and I was trying to let him down gently. Sam, Jackson, and even Donavon made it clear my undercover op is not to include anything physical with Jagger. Not that I would want that to happen, but I think they made it a point to make sure I knew this was not part of the job. Well apparently Jagger didn't get that memo. When I shunned his advances he just thought I needed to loosen up so he offered me some heroin. At first I refused but his right hand goon, Butch was quickly summoned.

"Common Serenity, I know you want to try just a little," Jagger with his dark brown shaggy hair and cold green eyes said to me.

"No really I don't. I told you, I'm into money not drugs."

Jagger just laughed and the next second Butch had me in his clutches and I could see Jagger coming towards me with the needle. It didn't take long before he inserted the repulsive syringe into me. Before I had time to comprehend what was happening the drug took effect and I quickly loosened up against my will.

"Now see, isn't that nice?" Jagger asked in a sickenly smooth way.

I didn't say anything, but instead found the nearest place to sit and just let the drug take effect. I thought for sure Jagger was going to try again with me, but he didn't.

I'm supposed to meet with Sam in now 25 minutes. How am I going to tell him I've become the person I've been pretending to play? A junkie! I hear a knock on the door and instinctively close the drawer and grab my gun from under my pillow. Walking slowly to the door, I peek out the curtains and see the one man that I need most right now. Sam!


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you for the reviews, they mean the world to me. Please keep reviewing, they are like my chocolate…and I loooove my chocolate.

Chapter 8

Seeing Sam at the door I forget about my immediate crisis, and without thinking, I fling open the door only to be met with Sam's lips on mine and his hands running through my hair. The urgency in Sam's touch is catastrophic to my current fear. Another moment passes, his lips still on mine, he lifts me up and carries me into the room, kicking the door closed behind him.

Laying me on the bed, I can feel Sam's hands exploring my whole body, and I'm giving him the same courtesy. Oh how I've missed him. We continue to just be in the moment until another wave of nausea overtakes me and I quickly push him off me and I'm running to the bathroom.

Sam follows me only to see me slumped over the toilet, quickly losing my strength.

"McNally what's wrong," Sam asks as he comes and sits next to me on the ground rubbing my back.

"Sam what are you doing here?"

"I came to tell you that Jagger just got picked up. The Intel you gave us last week was enough for some of our CIs to take to the streets and report back to us. It's over."

A cry escapes me at the relief I feel but I'm also struck with the fear that now I'm really going to have to deal with what has happened to me. Sam feels my body tremble and takes me in his arms and gently rubs my back.

"Shhh, it's alright"

"No Sam, it's not alright. I'm in trouble," I manage to choke out through my sobs.

I can feel Sam go tense. "What do you mean Andy?" The concern in Sam's voice is heartbreaking.

"I've got something to show you Sam. Follow me."

Sam helps me up off the ground and I feel him walking behind me, his feet practically on my heels. I arrive at the bedside table and hesitantly open the drawer. Pulling out the heroin, needles, and spoon I lay them on the bed. Next I force myself to look up and make eye contact with him.

Sam's staring back at me with confusion etched on his face until I hold out my arms and show him the bruising from my track marks. Confusion quickly changes to complete and utter horror. Several seconds tick by before Sam finally talks.

"Andy what the hell is going on?"

"I need help," I respond fighting back a new wave of tears.

"How did this happen?" Sam asks starting to get choked up himself.

"A few days ago I was with Jagger and he started to make his move on me. " I can see Sam's jaw tighten and his fists clench. "You know what Sam; I don't think you need to hear all of this. Why don't you take me to Best and I can talk with him," I say to him with my eyes fixed on the floor, too ashamed to look at him.

Thinking Sam must be disgusted with me, especially after he confided in me about his mother's drug abuse and how much this hurt him, I'm surprised when I feel his warm hand softly lift my chin so I'm looking right at him and he won't let me turn away when I try.

"McNally, I love you with all my heart. There is nothing you can tell me that will make me turn away from you. I need to hear it all. Please!"

For the first time in what feels like forever my heart is soaring. He gives me the courage to continue. I take a deep breath and tell him my story. My heart continues to feel like it's beating out of my chest and I notice that Sam even seems somewhat out of breath with the anticipation of what I'm about to tell him.

"I told Jagger I wasn't interested. He apparently didn't like my answer and told me I should let loose and use some of the heroin in his supply. I responded by reminding him I like the money from the drugs, and I was not interested in actually using. One look from Jagger and that Chuck guy grabbed me so I couldn't move."

I went to continue but I stumbled over my next words. Sam sat me down on the bed, and cupping my face in his hands, his eyes urged me to continue.

"Okay, I'll go on," I say looking right into him. Sam gives me a weak smile, but it's enough for me in this moment. "Jagger then shot me up with the drug. He just started laughing at me. I felt it immediately and the feeling was intense. I didn't know what to do Sam. I just stumbled over to the first thing I found to sit on and waited for the full effect."

Swallowing what seemed to be a golf size lump in his throat Sam asked me what was probably his worst fear if it was true. "Did he..uh…McNally did he touch you?"

A new wave of tears spill down my cheeks because I know how difficult it must be for Sam to sit here with me and have to ask me that question.

"Oh God," Sam whispers.

It's my turn now to smile at him, with the touch of my hand on his face; I tell him that Jagger did not hurt me in that way. Sam breathes a sigh of relief and I don't even think he noticed he'd been holding his breath.

"Sam, after I started coming down I got sick. Jagger knew this would happen and he slipped the drugs in my purse knowing I would use them, and I did. I'm so ashamed, but I didn't know what to do. At first I tried to fight it, but I was scared. I told myself just a little each day until I didn't need it anymore"

"Why did you not come to me?"

"Because I knew you'd pull me out."

"Yes I would've."

"And I would be looked at as weak," I responded back.

"No, if it were me, Boyd would have done the same. God McNally, I'm so sorry." Taking in my full appearance for the first time this evening a tear escapes from Sam.

"Sam, this is not your fault."

"My head tells me your right, my heart is another story. Five minutes with Jagger, that's all I ask for. Think Best will give it to me?"

"Sam no, there's no point. Jagger is going down."

"It will make me feel better," Sam throws back at me. "He's an animal and I want to make him feel like he made you feel. You have no idea how badly I want to lose control right now and tear this room apart for some relief," Sam explains through clenched teeth.

"Sam."

"I'm fighting it because I know it's the last thing you need from me right now."

"You have me and he has a cold jail cell."

I think this reality finally registers in him and a calming silence that takes effect between us for a few minutes. Sam gently strokes my cheek with his thumb and lays sweet kisses on me.

"Now what Sam, what happens to me now?"

"We get you better. It's going to be hell for you for a few days."

"I'm not even going to pretend I can do this without you. Will you be there with me every step of the way?"

Without any hesitation, Sam provides me with the only answer he knows to give. "You won't get rid of me without a fight." Once again his lips are on mine.


	9. Epilogue

Thank you everyone for following Sam and Andy on this journey and for all of the wonderful reviews. You really made writing this story worthwhile. **This epilogue may contain spoilers for season 4. **This epilogue is a little cheesy but I really needed something to fill my McSwarek shaped hole in my heart. I hope to write another story again. I will probably wait until after the finale.

**Epilogue**

Wrapping a towel around my body I exit the warm confines of a shower that helped wash away the remnants of today. Wiping away the fogged up window I stare back at this woman who has been transformed in such a short time, and I can't believe all that has transpired.

The week following Jagger's arrest I spent either in bed or the bathroom. Even I'm shocked by how supportive Sam was with me. He never left my side, not even for a second. We were both so thankful for Oliver and Traci who stopped by daily to make sure we had everything we needed. I barely remember that week of hell while I was detoxing off the heroin. What my jumbled mind does remember are the warm caresses by Sam and the never ending promises to always be with me.

I can't really pin point the day or time when the room stopped spinning and I actually felt like I wanted to eat, not just thought I could. The color came back to my face, and I even had a little flush to my cheeks. My body temperature stabilized and I no longer dry heaved every time I tried to sit up in bed. A few days after this, Sam and I made love, and it felt like the first time. In some ways it was because it held a promise of something new.

I started back at work a week later. In that time before, Sam decided to apply for Boyd's position as it still had not been filled, and Guns and Gangs was feeling the loss. I have to admit, seeing Sam today out on the streets in his tight jeans and signature red shirt gave me more than one dirty thought. One look at me and Sam knew exactly what I was thinking, and in turn, I saw the same smolder in his eyes as if he was answering an unspoken question.

It's then I'm brought back to my thoughts with a warm arm finding its way around my waist and soft supple lips trailing kisses on my neck.

"Welcome home Sam," I manage to say fighting the urge to giggle.

"Welcome home soon to be Mrs. Swarek," Sam coyly said back.

"I can't believe we set our wedding date so soon, there is so much planning to do."

"I know, and you and Traci will have so much fun doing the planning while Jerry and I will drink beer and watch you two," Sam shot back at me, clearly impressed with his response.

"Hmm, well we'll see about that. In the mean time I think we need to take this red shirt off of you because I've been dreaming about this all day."

"Yes I could tell, you weren't subtle."

"Yeah you're one to talk," I respond with a big smirk on my face.

"I have an idea."

"What?" I ask clearly intrigued.

Instead of answering me, Sam slowly unwrapped my towel and carried me to bed. We spend the next several hours showing each other what we sometimes have trouble putting into words.

Later that night we sat on the couch eating pistachio ice cream and watched this new show called Coppers.

"How was your first day on the job?" I asked remembering the first time he uttered that phrase to me.

"Like coming home, I didn't realize how much I missed it. But I want you to know I would never have traded a second of our time together on the streets," Sam responds while gently rubbing his thumb across my cheek.

"I know, but like you saw today, our jobs will overlap."

"True."

"l have to say though Sam, with you as a detective I don't have to worry about you partnering with Marlo anymore." I hesitate to bring up her name even though I know it's me Sam loves.

"Are you really worried about her?" Sam asked me with concern laced in his voice.

"Well she is a senior officer and your personalities are almost the same."

"McNally if I wanted to date myself I would still be single. You are my one and only. No one has ever broken down my walls like you have, and no one ever will."

I lean in and kiss him, my lips lingering on his longer than normal. "It's just that I can tell that she so wants you."

"Marlo is nothing to worry about McNally. When you aren't with me, I have an Andy shaped hole in my heart that only one Andy McNally can fill."

With that said, I lean into him and lay my head on his chest. Yup I can feel how complete that Andy shaped hole is now, and it will never go hollow again.


End file.
